First Look: 'The Conjuring'

The first trailer for James Wan's latest, The Conjuring, has arrived and oh boy it's creepy! Take a look:


 
While I wish the trailer didn't give away some good scares, I am really digging the 60s/70s vibe. This is one of my most anticipated films of 2013, and I trust James Wan to deliver (even without the help of his screenwriter buddy, Leigh Whannell). This looks like a solid throwback to 70s haunted house horror ala The Amityville Horror. In fact, the story centers on real-life husband-and-wife paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, who are best known for their involvement in the Amityville haunting case.

The Conjuring stars Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Lily Taylor, and Ron Livingston. It hits theaters July 19th.  
 

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I Smell a Rant: Were the Oscars Really Sexist? or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take a Joke

By: Heather Seebach

I have tried to avoid the controversy surrounding the Oscars for the past two days, but I just cannot hold my irritation in anymore. The uproar over all this is WAY funnier than anything MacFarlane said on Sunday night. Here is a summary of the controversial moments:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/hillaryreinsberg/sexist-things-at-the-oscars

Look, I totally understand why people wanna punch Seth MacFarlane is his stupid, smug face, I get it! The last funny thing he made was Family Guy in its infancy - since then it has sunk into nothing but lame "Remember the time when...?" jokes and forced pop culture references. I knew all along this Oscar ceremony would be ASS, and it should have come as a surprise to nobody that his jokes were crude. But this uber-feminist backlash is ridiculous. 

So he sang about actresses' boobs - BIG FUCKING DEAL. Unfunny though it may be, it is still a joke. People seem to conveniently forget it was part of a larger bit wherein Seth was shown an alternate reality where he sang a horrible sexist song and ruined the Oscars. So the objective of the joke was to offend, people. Is this really a new concept? Have you ever watched ANYTHING Trey Parker and Matt Stone have touched? What about "Springtime for Hitler"?

Today I learned of this Tumblr which is a response to the song: http://wesawyourjunk.tumblr.com/. How is that ANY different from Seth's song? If you truly consider his behavior sexist, why direct it right back at all those actors? Since when does sexism only work one way? And how many cock jokes has Michael Fassbender had to endure at every movie event since Shame came out? He doesn't cry that he's being oppressed, he laughs along because it's a FUCKING JOKE.

I know many women were particularly offended by the fact that some of the boob scenes mentioned were rape scenes. Again, those people are missing the point, which was to make the song as distasteful and offensive as possible. Speaking of people not being able to take a fucking joke, this happened: 

  
In case you live under a rock, The Onion is a satire publication. Listen carefully: This. Is. A. JOKE. And a pretty funny one, I thought. See, she's this adorable, sweet little girl that nobody could possibly find fault with, and see what the Onion did here was use they used the opposite word to describe her than you'd expect! Hence, satire! Crazy! Replace Wallis' name with a puppy and maybe you can follow along without getting too wrapped up in feminist bullshit. 

This New Yorker article even goes so far as to call the red carpet ceremony sexist. One reason is Kristin Chenoweth, whom the author implies is not as "human-looking" as Hugh Jackman's wife. So now we're blaming the beautiful lady in the nice dress for being too much like what is "asked of women." /facepalm

So, aside from the boob song, other bits that pissed everyone off:

- The joke about Quvenzhané Wallis being too young for George Clooney. Not an invitation for statutory rape, you idiots, just the usual rag on Clooney for dating younger women.  

- Oh my god, someone cracked a joke about Chris Brown hitting Rhianna for the BILLIONTH time. Is it tasteless? Absolutely, but by no means an indication that Seth or the Oscar producers condone what Brown did.

- Seth saying it doesn't matter what Salma Hayek says because she's attractive. Guess what? He also included Javier Bardem in that joke, but apparently nobody noticed. 

In summary, it wasn't a particularly good ceremony, and Seth MacFarlane remains as unfunny as ever. But this huge outcry over it being misogynist is bullshit. It does not hinder women, or discriminate against them, it's just humor. Poor, unfunny humor perhaps, but still humor. And the more people get butt-hurt over it, the more they become targets for it. This reaction is exactly why Seth and comedians like him continue to thrive on this brand of comedy. Want him to stop? Stop giving a shit, and watch comedy that is on your sensitivity level (try CBS).

 

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Review: The Walking Dead - "I Ain't A Judas"

Warning: The following contains SPOILERS!

By: Heather Seebach

After last episode's exciting conclusion, this week's "I Ain't A Judas" was predictably uneventful. The prison survivors debate how to handle Merle, Andrea pays a visit to her old buddies, and the Governor builds a ragtag army in Woodbury. Still, the episode has some small epic moments. Rather than make you wait, I'll get into those right now:

1) The Governor gets the eye patch. Okay, for non-comic book fans, this is no big deal, but for me it was quite exciting to see Morrissey finally embrace that physical attribute. The polished politician is finally becoming the vicious monster we know (and shamefully, love). I honestly don't care how long his transformation takes, I never want the Gov to go away! He was arguably the best thing to happen to the comics and could soon be the same for the show. 

 

2) That American History X-style curb stomp! Good god! I never thought I'd see that brutal move performed on a zombie! With a rock, no less! And we got to see it in all its gruesome glory! Bless you, AMC!

 

3) Carl telling his father to stop being the leader. I think this is yet another example of Carl growing up and no longer seeing his father as a hero. We saw a taste of this after Lori died when, as Rick crumbled to the ground, Carl just looked on coldly. He is embarrassed by his father's insane behavior as of late, and rightly so. This was an important scene in their relationship, where the line between father/son or mentor/pupil is becoming more and more grey.

 

  4) Carol showing her merciless side by telling Andrea to fuck the Governor and slit his throat. Now, I am obviously something of a Gov fangirl, but I still love when the prison survivors get all ruthless, especially meek little Carol. Seeing as the once-badass Andrea has been completely ruined, here's hoping Carol will take her place as the hardened ass-kicker someday. 

I also hoped that Carol's plan would lead to the Governor catching Andrea in the act and finally putting that idiot out of our misery.  C'mon, I cannot be the only one who was screaming, "WAKE UP! KILL HER! KILL HERRR!" at the end, right?!? And obviously the Governor can't die that easily. But no, nothing happened! Lame! I am so damn disappointed she is still breathing. And she has "feelings" for him still. Bah, what the fuck ever, I am so sick of her.

5) Beth sings a Tom Waits song! I don't know why this little Southern girl knows all the lyrics to Waits' "Hold On" but I am not complaining!

Okay, now for the stuff I did not like. Aside from the epic disappointment at the end, the special FX make-up on that forest walker's face was something of a mess, or at least pretty subpar compared to KNB's usually stellar work. Also, the puppet they used during the arm-chopping scene was so visibly rigid. Now, I am not usually such a stickler for this stuff, but I guess I have become accustomed to an incredible standard of quality from the FX team, and this is the first time I have ever thought, "Ugh. That looks fake." After almost three seasons, one slip-up is certainly forgivable, but I thought it was worth mentioning here. Perhaps it had something to do with Greg Nicotero being busy directing this episode? Regardless, that rock-stomp TOTALLY made up for it, amiright?

I also dislike Tyreese being at Woodbury (nooo, he should be with Rick!!) but I'll keep an open mind and see how this all plays out. Again, my comic book snobbery is showing.

All in all, it was not a bad episode, just not a terribly exciting one either. I really hoped it would end on a high note with Andrea's death, but no such luck. Maybe the writers will redeem her yet? Perhaps some bad-ass double-teams with Michonne are in her future? I hope so. If not, I wanna see her looking down the barrel of Gov's rifle (as a human) or Rick's revolver (as a walker). I'm tingly just thinking about it!

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Review: 'A Good Day to Die Hard'

By: Heather Seebach

Despite the controversial title, the weak trailer, and the god-awful reviews, I remained ever-optimistic about this one. After all, I actually liked Live Free or Die Hard. I liked how over-the-top the fourth film was, and I likened John McClane's evolution as a bad-ass to that of Ash in the Evil Dead franchise. It seemed natural that by the fourth film John would be hardened and cocky to it all. But in this fifth installment, Bruce Willis is just...bored. And he gets no help from the terrible script and hack director.

When John McClane learns that his estranged spy son Jack is about to be thrown in a Russian prison for life, he heads to the old USSR to...well, I don't even know what his plan was, since there really was nothing he could do. An assassination attempt results in Jack escaping with a crucial witness and the three men end up on the run from Russian mercenaries. So naturally, CIA agent Jack butts heads with his ex-cop father, but the two must work together to complete the mission. 

A Good Day to Die Hard is a shitty action film and an even worse Die Hard film. It actually feels much closer to a bad James Bond movie, right down to the corny monologuing villains. Even the title screams 007. At least some of the action scenes are amusing in their creativity. There is a highway chase sequence in particular that is full of great "car-nage." This film has one thing going for it - the ability to smash the fuck out of a variety of vehicles. Those stunts were kinda fun to watch, especially one semi-long take of a truck smashing its way through traffic.

Whereas Live Free was enjoyably over-the-top, this one is often painful to endure, thanks to excruciatingly dull and redundant dialogue, and the Tony-Scott-wannabe camerawork. I nearly got motion sickness from the amount of zooming in-and-out in one scene, which, by the way, involved nothing more than CIA agents talking on the phone. 

Meanwhile, John McClane behaves like a whiny tourist the entire movie, constantly shouting, "I'm on vacation!" Firstly, no you're not, and secondly, enough already! Bruce Willis' lines are comprised almost entirely of that and reminders that he is Jack's father. McClane often seems like a guest star in his own goddamn movie! Gone is the badass we know and love, replaced with some cantankerous old man. Willis has gone beyond a complacent, invincible hero into a bland supporting character spouting stale one-liners.

Furthermore, John's relationship with his son feels so forced and excessively mushy. As Jack, Jai Courtney (who looks like a male Scarlett Johansson - is it just me?) ranges from bad to uninteresting, like a sub-par Sam Worthington. In other words, I can't dismiss the actor just yet, but this role does nothing for him. 

I was SO excited when this film ultimately got an R-rating, but it is squandered. F-bombs are clearly forced into the script, and even that famous line is completely misplaced! What too-little-too-late references it does make to the original feel did nothing for me but elicit eye-rolls. 

 I wanted so badly to enjoy this film. I am usually willing to look past bad dialogue or obnoxious directing, but what I cannot abide is ruining John McClane. The one scene of excellent vehicular carslaughter is just not enough to make this a passable movie, let alone a Die Hard film.

Here is a little game for anyone who has seen the film - can you guess the two unintentionally hilarious moments that made me laugh out loud? Here are your hints:

1) ADR

2) Slow-motion

If you have a guess, be sure to comment below with your answers ;)

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Guest Review: 'Dark Skies'

By: JV

This review comes courtesy of JV, co-host of The Supercast. Be sure to check it out over at hashtagstudios.tv. Dark Skies is currently in theaters. Watch at your own peril. -Heather

Dark Skies follows an average suburban family that has an increasingly difficult time dealing with the reality that the strange occurrences surrounding them stem from something supernatural. Lacy (Keri Russell) and Daniel (Josh Hamilton) have two sons - the teenage Jesse (Dakota Goyo) and the younger Sam (Kadan Rockett). The film attempts to juxtapose the family’s money issues, the teenage son’s rebellion and all of the other cliches you can think of with the surrounding supernatural events.

While Dark Skies does have a few genuinely creepy moments and some good performances, the real issue is the script. Writer/director Scott Charles Stewart has constructed a film that is so generic and boring that by time you’ve gotten to any of the creepy scenes, you’ve already nodded off. The first act of the film is entirely too long. It attempts to strengthen the characters and build a parallel between the family's emotional issues and the strange occurrences. It fails at doing both. The final act of the film, in which the family laughably uses a butcher knife and shotgun to defend themselves, is so rushed and incoherent that I wasn’t quite sure what I was watching.

At the films finale you’ll either find yourself laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole matter or pissed off that you just paid your hard-earned cash to sit in the theater to have your intelligence insulted. If you’re looking for films of the genre that won’t make you hate yourself, I suggest Fire in the Sky or Communion. Both of those would certainly be a better bet than this derivative slop.

1.5 out of 5 stars

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Sick of the Oscars? Here Are 9 Horror Alternatives

By: Heather Seebach

We are deep into Oscar season now, and with the ceremony just days away, I think we are all sick of hearing about Daniel Day-Lewis, "I Dreamed a Dream", Kathryn Bigelow condoning torture, and computer-generated tigers. Do you prefer something a bit more bonkers and gory than what the Academy has to offer? Then check these out - my horror alternatives to the Best Picture nominees:

Instead of Lincoln:
   Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

Yes, there's that Abe Lincoln vampire movie too, but of the two over-saturated sub-genres, I prefer zombies. Even better, this is from those kings of hilariously bad rip-offs, The Asylum. Genre veteran Bill Oberst Jr. stars as the titular scythe-wielding president. 


Instead of Life of Pi:
  Burning Bright (2010)

Why watch some Indian boy trapped on a lifeboat adventure with a tiger when you can watch Briana Evigan and her autistic brother trapped in their house...with a vicious hungry tiger...during a hurricane!?

 

Instead of Les Miserables:
  Cannibal! The Musical (1993)

This musical based on the tragic deaths of five prospecters and the alleged cannibal who killed them is nowhere near as depressing as Les Mis, but if you want your horror with some Broadway-quality songs, look no further than this Trey Parker/Matt Stone cult classic! 
 

Instead of Zero Dark Thirty:
  Osombie (2012) 

You already know how Osama bin Laden was captured anyway, the news covered that pretty well. So why not watch what happens next, when bin Laden rises from his watery grave with an army of zombie terrorists!


Instead of Silver Linings Playbook: 
  Lunatics: A Love Story (1991)

If I were to really oversimplify David O. Russell's romdramedy, it would be like this: two crazy people fall in love. So if you'd rather see that story with Ted Raimi instead of Bradley Cooper, boy, do I have the movie for you! Sam Raimi's old pal Josh Becker made this off-beat romance. 

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Guest Review: 'Removal'

The latest guest article is a review from my British pal, Bradley Hadcroft. The indie thriller Removal hit DVD this past January, and Bradley spoke with director Nick Simon and producer Thomas Mahoney who gave him some inside info on the film. Check out his review below. -Heather

By: Bradley Hadcroft

Horror-thriller Removal is very much a product of the world-renowned AFI Conservatory whose alumni boasts such talents as Aronofsky, Malik and Lynch. Director Nick Simon and producer Thomas Mahoney met whilst studying there and collaborated on every short film they made. Two such projects were thesis shorts “The 7th Claus” and “Buckets” both of which enjoyed strong festival runs. The core team responsible for the former went on to make the short “Shadow Play” which consequently matured into the feature Removal. This was an important part of the process as Nick Simon explains: “Having made the short of 'Shadow Play' really helped us get financing. Especially since people could see what the film was going to be. What it would look like. The tone. The score. Etc.” 

Both the much-revered reputation of the AFI and the import of a team comfortable in working together are evident in the quality and talent showcased in Removal. Like most horror thrillers, the less knowledge in terms of its plot the better as twists and turns are part of the natural cinematic road map of the genre, so I won’t be giving much away here. Suffice to say, it is a Gothic-inspired treatment of isolation and post-traumatic mental breakdown. 

The cast do great work with a muscular and economic script and the acting is definitely one of the stronger suits of the film. Oz Perkins (Dead and Breakfast) and Mark Kelly (Mad Men) carry the proceedings for long stretches, dealing brilliantly with the mischievous humour and Machiavellian shifts in tone. Their curt interplay put me in mind of the lead performances in another much ignored indie thriller, The Perfect Host. 

It’s actually quite the compliment when Oscar nominee Elliot Gould (M.A.S.H.) weighs in with a cameo and doesn’t strand the rest of your cast. Except of course an outrageously fully-clothed Kelly Brook who wanders into the film for the length of time it takes Judi Dench to win an Oscar. As always she makes for great screen candy and the director clearly enjoyed working with her as he explains: “She is a wonderful person and it was really great to meet her and work with her. She is so nice.” 

Removal is never less than professional with its smooth camerawork, interesting angles, and atmospheric locations and composition. Well-timed surprises and reveals ensure a fluid and engaging story arc. Though not overtly bloody, when the violence does come it is swift, brutal and effective. Despite the thick accent of humour present Removal always speaks to its audience like adults, characterised by its clever semantics and brilliantly casual detonation of the C-Bomb. 

Whatever Removal does, it remains respectful to its origins, the viewer, and the horror thriller genre. Yet you can’t help thinking that its unusual shifts in tone and unconventional story development have left it somewhat stranded in a no man’s land in terms of promotion and marketing. The film is certainly much better than its relatively low profile suggests and the team responsible will doubtless impact upon the future scene with greater resonance. 

I for one will be keeping close tabs on Nick Simon’s latest project, a film he has co-written with Oz Perkins and Tze Chun called, Eye of Winter. Nick Simon had this to say – “They just finished shooting the picture in upstate New York. It’s starring Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad), Alice Eve (Star Trek into Darkness) and Logan Marshall-Green (Prometheus). A struggling motel owner and her daughter are taken hostage by a nearly blind career criminal to be his eyes as he attempts to retrieve his cash package from a crooked cop. It’s going to be out this year. I’m really excited by the project.” 

In the meantime seek out Removal if you can, it’s just the kind of criminally under-seen, intelligent and honest indie cinema that made me love horror flicks in the first place.

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Recap/Review: The Walking Dead - "Home"

By: Heather Seebach

*Warning: The following contains spoilers for "Home"

In the second episode since the mid-season hiatus, things remain relatively the same - Rick is cuckoo for Lori puffs, Glenn is still chest-beating over his almost-raped girlfriend, and Daryl is out in the wilderness with Merle. Then this episode kicks into high gear when the Governor's nasty side shows up again. But more on that later...

"Home" begins with Rick seeing visions of Lori again, this time outside the prison gates. She lures him away like a will-o'-the-wisp and he remains AWOL for most of the episode. Meanwhile, the Governor manipulates Andrea into staying in Woodbury - presumably because she could be a genuine threat if he were to lose her alliance. Back at the prison, Glenn is on a war path to attack the Governor, but everyone else thinks they should stay and fortify.  

 

By far, the most interesting subplot of this episode revolves around Daryl and Merle. While I like Daryl, I have never understood the obsession over him. However, I loved him SO much when he saved that family on the bridge. One of my old problems with Daryl was how self-absorbed he was. At the start, he was all about himself (or his brother), then gradually he came to love and help his friends. Now, here he is aiding a group of complete strangers, and then defending them against his brother! Go Daryl! This the is the break-through I have been wanting to see from him!

Plus, the following scene introduced a new layer to the Dixon history when we learn that the brothers suffered abuse at the hands of their father (unsurprisingly). That moment, especially Daryl's vulnerable "You left me behind" line was really great. Daryl's selfless act on the bridge exemplifies how different Daryl has become from his brother (and probably their father). I also adore how Daryl sticks up for Glenn when Merle calls him Chinese. "He's Korean!" The SS-motorcycle-riding redneck has come so far, I love it.

And lest I forget, that bridge scene gave us not one, not two, but THREE amazing walker head smashes! One of which was probably the bloodiest kill EVER shown on The Walking Dead! 

I should mention the scene between Glenn and Maggie in the jail cell because I think it is a bit confusing. I can see why some viewers may not understand Maggie's anger toward Glenn, as it is not explained particularly well. Steven Yeun described it perfectly on last week's Talking Dead when he said that testosterone-fueled young men like Glenn don't know how to deal with a situation like Maggie's. His reaction is to make it all about him and his own need for retribution. 

Yeun noted that, in his research, a spouse of a sexual abuse victim often continued to unknowingly victimize his wife or girlfriend by speaking FOR her and acting FOR her, rather than helping her or listening to her. The key line in the jail cell scene is when Maggie says, "Do I need to talk about it? Or do YOU?" Like it or not, the idea of another man violating his girlfriend is going to trigger a primitive response in a man, especially a young one with access to guns. But I suspect Glenn learned his lesson and will stay close to the nest now after the Governor's visit.  

I want to take a moment to discuss Axel (Lew Temple). Earlier in this episode, he told Carol he was not actually in prison for some light charge - just like the serial killer Thomas in the comics. Now, obviously there was an Axel (in prison for armed robbery) in the comics, and he was a cool guy, so I never knew WHAT to think about this character! Add to that his creepy staring at Carol and Beth in previous episodes. Maybe I am just distrusting, but the nicer Axel became in "Home", the more I suspected him of being "Thomas." He could have killed the real Axel and taken his identity! I thought all this right up until that bullet penetrated his skull.
And guess what? On The Talking Dead after the episode, Lew Temple actually revealed that he was originally cast (or so he was told) to play the prison's serial killer! Argg!

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