Transformers: The Dark of the Moon opens this week, and regardless of how bad the film will probably be, one thing is guaranteed - lots of ass-kicking robots. Thanks to bots like HAL 9000 and T-800, robots are generally looked upon as pretty cool. Alas, they can't all be Optimus Prime. Today we take a fond look back at some of the lamer robots in cinema history. FYI, this list means no disrespect to any of these robots, as I love some of them despite their lack of badassery :) Here we go:
10. ED-209, Robocop
I know, you're thinking "WTF!?" but hear me out. A good guy like Robocop need only take the stairs to get away from this walking tin can. I don't so much mind the stairs disability but the way ED-209 starts kicking and squealing like an infant after taking a spill down some steps. In another scene, it gets its foot stuck in a manhole and cries like a baby AGAIN. No amount of mounted guns can make up for that embarassment.
9. B.E.N., Treasure Planet
B.E.N., short for Bio Electric Navigator, is the robotic companion to Jim Hawkins in Disney's Treasure Planet. In case the words "voiced by Martin Short" do not tip you off, this bot is loud, neurotic, and annoying. You'll never have to worry about world domination with this little guy.
8. Paulie's Robo-Butler, Rocky IV
Life is full of mysteries. Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? Why the hell is there a robot in Rocky IV?? The bot was given to Paulie as a birthday gift from Rocky. Paulie programs it to have a sexy female voice, suggesting that he uses it for acts I don't even want to think about.
7. Andrew, Bicentennial Man
In this family-friendly sci-fi, Robin Williams plays a robotic servant who yearns to be human and sets out on an adventure to make that happen. Williams basically plays his usual self in metallic paint - funny and loveable, sure, but badass? Not even close.
6. Val and Aqua, Heartbeeps
Did you know there was an Andy Kaufman/Bernadette Peters robot movie? If you did, you probably blocked it out, and I wouldn't blame you. The pair plays robotic servants (I'm sensing a trend here) who fall in love and run away to start a family. As you might have guessed, the duo is equally annoying (if not more) in stiff robot suits.
5. David, A.I.: Artificial Intelligence
David is a little wuss, but through no fault of his own. After all, he's just a child - or at least designed to resemble one. And his human-like vulnerability is the whole point of the story. Still, he is excessively adorable. Just look at those big sappy eyes. Even the talking teddy bear and the effeminate gigolo-bot are tougher than David in this movie.
4. The Fix-Its, *batteries not included
These little guys are no doubt the cutest robots in movie history. They are super tiny, make cute little noises, do adorable things, and fix appliances for old people. I'm not gonna lie, I wanted a few Fix-Its of my own when I was a kid. They're like tiny flying kittens that can fix my toaster!
3. Jinx, Space Camp
In this cheesy 80s movie, Joaquin Phoenix (left) saves an obsolete NASA robot named Jinx. To return the favor, the sentient bot fulfills the boy's wishes of going to space by hacking into NASA's computer system. Yep, it's that easy. Jinx looks like a chicken egg on spider legs, but with his red eyes and creepy voice, I kept expecting him to smother little Joaquin in his sleep while repeating "Friends foreverrrrr...." Sadly, it never happened - that totally would have saved him from this list.
2. Johnny 5, Short Circuit
Yes, we all love Johnny 5, but come on, look at that outfit (left). No self respecting robot wears a cowboy hat, denim vest, and neckerchief. Being a 6-ft-tall SAINT (Strategic Artificial Intelligence Nuclear Transport), Number 5 has all the equipment to be a badass bot but instead he spends his time craving input, cooking breakfast, and having grasshopper-induced panic attacks (see below).
1. C-3PO, Star Wars Episodes 1-6
Is there any type of robot less bad-ass than a protocol droid? It is C-3PO's job to assist with etiquette and translations. Furthermore, he spends most of his screen time complaining and/or fleeing. The prissy British accent and constant "Oh, Dear!" 's certainly don't help his image, either.
