By: Heather Seebach
Last month I introduced "Celebrity Slashers", a feature dedicated to fictional horror movies with obnoxious celebutards getting maimed and killed in nasty ways. It's mean-spirited fun (and bad Photoshop) at the expense of famous people who don't deserve fame in the first place, so it's all good. The first edition imagined Justin Bieber in a melt movie ala Slime City (with a touch of Cabin Fever-style infectious disease film). This second round is dedicated to those Garden State douchebags you love to hate - the Jersey Shore cast. It is appropriately titled Jersey Gore.
**Full Disclosure: I never have - and never will - watch Jersey Shore, so I have no idea what these people do on a daily basis. Since I have a rough idea of who they are, I'll just skip the plot and give you the good stuff - a series of Final Destination-esque death scenes. Here goes:
Snooki - During her third daily tanning session, the tiny orange goblin becomes trapped in a faulty tanning bed and suffers third-degree burns all over her body. The now extra-crispy Snooki is fired from Jersey Shore for being too horribly disfigured to look at but fortunately for her, she soon lands a gig as the new Freddy Krueger. Fortunately for us, within minutes of the casting news, she is pummeled to death by angry horror fans.
Pauly D - While DJing at some douchey club, Pauly D takes his eyes off the turntables to check out a sexy lady. His eye-full costs him, however, when the wires of his headphones get caught in the turntable. As the system spins, his head is pulled toward the rotating vinyls, where his abundant hair product catches a spark. As his hair bursts into flames, he lurches backwards in a panic, sending the vinyl records flying toward him. He is ultimately decapitated by a LMFAO record.
The Situation - While toning those washboard abs at the gym, Mike gets himself into a sticky "situation." He spends so much time on his stomach muscles that he forgets to work out those arms. Consequently, he is crushed under the weight of some barbells.
JWoww - She contracts severe chlamydia and dies. The end.